5 EFFECTIVE WAYS TO SURVIVE A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP
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"I just
found out... I, I don't know what to do." Karen's voice was shaking as she
talked with me on the phone. She's been
married for almost five years now. After
two years of marriage, her husband,
Robert decided to work overseas. These married
couples' constant communication was almost every day of the week, however, in
the past two years Robert rarely makes any phone calls. Then Karen began to doubt her husband’s fidelity. Uneasy as she was, she gave her husband the benefit of the doubt. After all, she believes that much of the work
that needs to be done between two married couples to stick together, especially in a long distance relationship, solely rests on the wife. Odd as it may sound, but that was how she was brought up by her
mother, who was also a wife of an OFW.
Karen feels she needs to do something, that she couldn’t just let
anything happen to her marriage. So she seeks out advice from her close
friends who were telling her that she
was just being paranoid, that her husband could have been so freakin’ tired he
can’t call home everyday, that as long
as her husband regularly sends her money every end of the month, everything is
okay. She heeds the advice of her
friends. She tried to get used to the
infrequent phone calls, tried not to get paranoid. She almost believed that her instinct on her
husband cheating on her was completely foolish until she chanced upon an
encounter with Dave, one of her husband’s
colleagues. Karen was casually asking
him about how his work with Robert was, and if he gets the chance to hang out
with him when they’re on off and stuff like that. She couldn’t believe what Dave was telling her
– “Sabi ni pareng Robert hiwalay na daw
kayo. Tsaka meron na syang kinakasama
du’n sa Dubai.” Karen almost fainted.
She just couldn't breathe. “It can’t be true,” was all she could tell
Dave.
Does Karen’s
story sound familiar to you? How many do
you know are like Karen? How many do you know are like Robert? I believe you’ll agree with me that their
situation is not unique. It is so banal
that it’s almost a given that if you’re an OFW or a wife left at home to take
care of the kids while your husband is working overseas, your marriage is in imminent danger. Maintaining a working and healthy
relationship between married couples is quite hard – especially between an OFW
and a wife or husband back home - but not impossible. Armed with stories of real people and with the shared experiences of my OFW friends
who endured every trial of their marriage,
I’ve come up with a sort of relationship advice for our OFWs as far as
their married life is concerned. Just a
friendly note of precaution guys, I am
not acting as a marriage counselor here, I’m just sharing with you some tips on
how my friends (OFWs, housewives of OFWs and vice versa and real people) were
able to successfully keep their marriage vows despite the distance. Hope this list helps in keeping yours, too.
1. Communicate Effectively. We all know about the
need to communicate when you’re in a long-distance relationship. With the
current technology, the popularity of cell phones, internet, Skype, etc. there’s
no reason not to communicate. But it’s
not enough. You should effectively communicate. For this purpose, I’m referring to a verbal or voiced type of
communication. If you’re on the phone or
on skype and it’s only you who is doing the talking most of the time almost
becoming a blabbermouth, then you definitely fail in this area. Do not interrupt or monopolize the
conversation. If your partner isn’t much
of a talker, then make him talk. Try
asking open-ended questions. My friend Liza said she’s guilty as hell with
this. Every time she and her husband do Skype,
she’s the one doing the talking most of the time. Although they talked almost on a daily basis,
she’s not running out of things to say – child’s school teacher, annoying
neighbors, impeachment complaint on PNoy etcetera, etcetera. When her husband
told her he’d rather call on a weekend, she overreacted and accused him of
having extramarital affairs. Liza just
blew the issue out of proportion. The
realization hit her when she confided her supposedly-not-a-big-deal relationship
problem with our common friend who previously had the same communications issue
with her OFW husband. She got a good piece of advice, i.e., don’t do most of
the talking. Get your partner to talk
and when he does, actively listen. This is very vital in communicating
effectively with your husband or wife.
Don’t just hear him talk. Listen
carefully to what he has to say. Doing
so makes him feel a sense of importance.
2. Stay Committed.
How committed are you? Does being
married to each other automatically make you a committed person? I bet you’ll agree with me that it actually doesn’t. But, just like communicating effectively with
your better half, this one too is a two-way process. Make sure that you and your husband or wife is
on the same page when it comes to
staying committed. Tell him how you do
it. Don’t keep it from him or else he’ll
never know the time and effort you put into this long distance relationship to
work. Write your marriage commitment down on a piece of paper or
Post-it. Put it in a spot where you
could read it every day – in your study table, in your fridge, medicine cabinet
mirror or make it your cell phone’s “Welcome Note”. It’s simply a visual way of reminding
yourself of your commitment. This works
with my previous colleague. Sometimes
commitment itself is “lost” in your list of priorities such as work, child
care, financial concerns, etc. Why not try to “visually” remind yourself of it?
3. Get Busy. Keeping your marriage intact despite of the
distance might take a toll on your sanity, especially if you’re the one making
most of the effort. Why don’t you get busy instead? If you have a long-forgotten hobby brought
about by a lot of marital responsibilities, then why not indulge in it again?
If you’re an OFW you can make friends with your other Kababayans. You know where most of them frequents every
weekend – at the park, restaurants serving Filipino dishes, etc. My OFW friend Flor rarely leaves the flat
she shares with two other Filipino OFWs when she’s on off. A quite and reserve type, Flor prefers the “company” of her laptop than
mingle and chit-chat with other Filipinas.
“Mas nag-eenjoy pa ako pag
nag-i-FB ako kesa lumabas at makipag-tsismisan sa ibang mga Pinay dyan”,
she once told me. Yet, when her roommate Gina insisted she come
along with her to a Filipino community event for a cause, it has changed her outlook with making friends. She becomes an active participant, gain more
friends and no longer a K.J. (as her roommates fondly call her). I don’t
suggest you get busy at the expense of the effort you put into making your long
distance relationship work. Being
focused on making it work from the get-go is highly laudable, but it’s self-defeating when it’s the only thing
that gets you occupied with. When you
get busy improving yourself, you will gain more self-confidence, higher
self-esteem, getting better and better in your relationship not only with your
life’s partner but with other people as well.
4. Don’t expect too much. You know that
your husband or partner in life is just
temporarily working overseas and will eventually go home. With that in mind you expect that he loves
you still, he cares for you and your family still and a whole bunch of other
expectations. Just don’t get me wrong,
there’s nothing wrong with expectations.
But what if they’re not met? What
if in the course of your husband’s career overseas, he found someone else? What
if the distance has changed his feelings towards you? What if all this time he doesn’t share the
same level of commitment as you do?
I’ve heard of so many broken OFW families because the husband or the
wife cannot resist the temptations caused by the distance. The
point is, you may have invested too much in this long distance
relationship to work out for the both of you
but keep your expectations low. When
things don’t work out the way you expect them to be, you guard yourself against
emotional trauma. Surely, you’ll
get hurt, but the pain would be bearable because you don’t expect too much. Picking
up the pieces and moving on with your life won’t be an uphill battle. Overheard a lady talking to a friend at a
carenderia, “kung ang mga lalake nga ay
nagloloko habang nandito lang nagtatrabaho sa Pilipinas at kasama pa ang mga
pamilya nila, how much more do’n sa abroad?” I’m not suggesting that your
husband (or wife) will eventually cheat on you but chances are he may or he may
not. I guess it doesn’t hurt if your expectations are low.
5. Be honest with yourself. In marriage, it takes two to tango,
right? This may sound like a cliché to you,
but nevertheless it’s true. Keep
yourself in check – where are you right now in your relationship with your OFW
better half? Do you think your relationship is still worth
fighting for? Are you pretty damn tired of investing too much
effort which is not reciprocated? Do you
not mind sacrificing your time and energy in keeping your marriage despite of
the threat of the distance from your loved one? Are you willing to do
everything you can to keep your family together? Or is it like the song, “Let It Go”.